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Things I Learned from My Patients

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  • Things I Learned from My Patients

    The Law of Inverse Value: the less you contribute to society, the greater the trauma you can sustain with minimal to no physical sequelae, including falls from 3 stories, stabbings (chest, neck, head, slashings to the face), gunshot wounds (chest, neck, pelvis, leg, traumatic arrest (only to be killed 7 years later in a separate GSW incident)), and high speed MVC's, unrestrained, where multiple people in the other vehicle are killed.

    Never run from the police especially if its a K9 unit.

    If you are an almost unconcious from alcohol, well dressed man with a head lac from a fight, don't p**s off the ER staff by standing up and peeing all over the ER admission area because then they will put you in restrains and the ER doc will let the nurse add some furosemide to the IV fluids. After some time the ER staff will come to your bed and watch you making your nice suit wet...

    No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated dont slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra. Now I know, who among us hasn't thought wistfully of doing that but it turns out that it's not a good idea.

    Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.

    Don't cut off your own penis and testicles with a knife...no explaination necessary.

    If your family/doctor/government whatever has taken away your drivers license because you have frequent seizures and refuse to take your pheno, please use a riding lawn-mower as your primary means of transportation. Chances are, you won't seize, hit a telephone pole, burn your leg and scalp on the mower as you fall off of it, and cause a power outage in your surrounding area.


    Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.


    Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to...
    "There were no arguments, those were ass chewings....."
    Nick Saban 9/10/2016

    “I don’t know who is driving all this stuff, but to me it’s kind of like mouse manure when you’re up to your ears in elephant doo-doo,"
    Nick Saban 05/29/2018

    “You’re ruining the game with RPOs and illegal guys downfield. And you think it should be legal. You think it’s normal. Kiss my ass.”
    Nick Saban 06/13/2018

  • #2
    ..
    Katee80 said:
    Newbie here....what's a Smurf?
    A Patient that is as blue as can be. Usually heart failure from acute MI. Humor is the best weapon against reality in the ER. Used appropriately of course...
    "There were no arguments, those were ass chewings....."
    Nick Saban 9/10/2016

    “I don’t know who is driving all this stuff, but to me it’s kind of like mouse manure when you’re up to your ears in elephant doo-doo,"
    Nick Saban 05/29/2018

    “You’re ruining the game with RPOs and illegal guys downfield. And you think it should be legal. You think it’s normal. Kiss my ass.”
    Nick Saban 06/13/2018

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by quack quack bang View Post
      ..
      Katee80 said:
      Newbie here....what's a Smurf?
      A Patient that is as blue as can be. Usually heart failure from acute MI. Humor is the best weapon against reality in the ER. Used appropriately of course...
      Laugh or cry.

      Comment


      • #4
        Never stick anything up your ass you wouldn't want your mom to know about. Because... you may have to es'plain that emergency room trip

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Pinche Cabron View Post
          Never stick anything up your ass you wouldn't want your mom to know about. Because... you may have to es'plain that emergency room trip
          The exit only rule has always served me well

          Comment

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